Between the lines
by Commander Kurt
Summary: Perhaps the decision to let go or hold on will have to be made between Mass Effect 2 and 3. Shenko.
1. Prologue

_Authors' note;_

_Okay, this is my first try at this. Please don't hesitate to let me know if I'm doing anything wrong, this is pretty much trial and error on my part. Also, english is not my native tongue and I don't have a beta, so if something is irking you language wise be a hero and point me in the right direction!_

_Thanks to all the ladies in KAST, and to Bioware (who owns all, by the way) for making these lovely characters._

_Prologue;_

_She rested her head in her hands and let out a sigh. As soon as she saw the subject of the email, she was glad to be alone in her quarters. After accepting the way things were now, she had quickly taken to checking her messages there instead of at the constantly busy CIC. Even though she suspected her correspondence to be monitored, she figured there was no point in letting her reactions to said correspondence be public knowledge as well. And now, there it was. "About Horizon". She could sense his conflicted feelings in the message, but she didn't have the strength to care. This mission, this whole situation, took everything she had just to get out of bed in the mornings. Worrying about her love life on top of it was too tall an order. He would just have to make his mind up and either come back to her or not._

_The callousness of her thoughts struck her with surprise, and tilting her head to the side she considered the implications. Did she even love him? Could she, after all that had happened? She had certainly died loving him. She was sure of that. She had woken up loving him. And as she searched the depth of herself, she realized that if she was indeed able to save the galaxy, again, she would do it loving him. But this was a suicide run, and she just couldn't bear feeling alive again until it was over._

_So she pulled herself away from the terminal, closed that part of her down and buried it deep within. The wary, tired gaze in her eyes was slowly replaced by steely resolve once more as she remembered those who still depended on her. She had a job to do after all._

_

* * *

_

_The instant he pressed "send", he regretted doing it. It was a stupid message by all accounts, at the same time saying way too much and not nearly enough. And yet, for what it was worth, it perfectly conveyed his emotions. He wanted to hold her close, let her know exactly what he had been going through, and at the same time he never wanted to hear from her ever again. This message was really all he could muster in his current state of confusion._

_He did love her. And she did betray him. She went where he could not follow and she died when he expected her to be indestructible. When he needed her to be. And it didn't take much for him to realize that she had already started working on the next nine lives the Universe had somehow granted her. She was fighting the same enemy that had ripped her apart last time around, only now it was Cerberus guarding her back. He felt hollow at that last thought, utterly spent. When she stood before him, hair dancing in the wind and cheeks still slightly blushing with excitement from the fight, just so damn full of life, he had at first been in awe. Then reality hit, and while she was still in his arms the only sane conclusion clawed itself into his brain. She hadn't died. She had let him think that she did, but she hadn't. Afterwards, he had used every contact he ever had in the Alliance and piece by piece he had learned what had happened to her. Now knowing, he failed to see the improvement to his previous misconception. She was not a traitor, no. But at least if she had been, he would have known what she was. Who she was._

_He pulled a hand through his hair, fatigue and desperation building inside of him. Hell, he couldn't do this. In his message he had urged her to be careful, but he just couldn't trust her to get back to him. _


	2. Chapter 1

- Commander, we're not going to make it.

_From her position standing behind Joker, Shepard shot him a questioning glance._

- Really? 'Cause I can actually recall the Normandy exploding around me and you all the while reassuring me that you could pull her through. Suddenly getting smarter on me, Joker?

_Bearing his teeth in a cocky grin __while knowing fingers flew over the controls__, Joker shook his head._

- Wouldn't dream of it, Commander. And I wasn't going for the "we're all gonna die" speech, it's just that fuel is at zero capacity. We're dead in the water unless you want to start frying what little resources we have left.

- How is that even possible?_ She frowned at the irony of it, pulling everybody out alive and getting more data from the Collector Base than she could have hoped for only to be stuck out here. Out of gas. _You know what, I don't even care. Just do it. We don't really have much choice at this point.

- I'm sorry, Commander, but one of the fuel lines suffered major damage during our escape. I managed to contain the explosion as fire leaked into the main fuel tank..

- ..but we lost most of it anyway, I get it EDI. Good job though._ Rolling her shoulders trying to get the stiffness out, she actually had to stifle a laugh half born in amusement and half in frustration. Why was nothing ever easy? _

- So, Commander, I thought that maybe we could ask for some help rather than use the resources. _Jokers'__ voice trailed off as he saw the look on her face, and he started to fiddle with his cap nervously. _You know, since you hate mining and all that..

_She just stared at him in disbelief. She had been joking when she accused him of not being overly intelligent, but now he really made her question if she hadn't been right all along._

- Joker, I know that flying this ship takes some sort of cognitive ability, so I'm going to assume that I misunderstood you just now. I thought you said that we should send a distress signal. In the Terminus systems. With our armor and weapons basically out. But that's just silly, isn't it?

_He gave her a sulky shrug while avoiding looking at her._

- Well, sure it sounds silly when you put it like that. But I did a readout of the area, and the closest thing to us is an Alliance frigate. Figure those guys owe us a hand by now.

- Request denied. According to Shadow Broker intel, Admiral Hackett is the only thing standing between us and what I presume to be a rather lengthy "debrief". However, that was some time ago and I don't know where I stand with the Alliance at this point. _She managed to catch his eyes, his very guilty looking eyes, and a bad feeling suddenly started building in her guts. _Joker..?

- So what you're saying is that it would be a bad thing if I'd already sent it?

_Shepard's voice grew low, almost snarling, as her eyes bored themselves into the back of his skull._

- I swear, someday you'll be the death of me, Joker. _He flinched at that, easily recognizing the harsh reprimand hidden in the tired words. She turned to leave the bridge, once again to put her armour on and get ready for anything. _If they try to take us in, I can't let that happen and the lives lost, possibly ours, will be on your hands.

_Damn, did she have to be so dramatic? Captain Anderson would have their back if it came to that, and he was sure the Commander could handle an Alliance frigate without bloodshed regardless of their orders. Hell, she was the Hero of the Citadel for Christs' sake! Who in their right mind would stand up to her? He turned his attention to the comm system as the frigate hailed them._

- SSV Normandy, this is Staff Commander Alenko of the SSV Stalingrad. How may I be of assistance?

_Joker felt his mouth go dry and his jaw drop. Shit, shit, shit, shit, sh.._

- Jeff, should I ready one of the escape pods for you before I summon the Commander to the bridge? _EDI's voice was business as always, but he knew better_. That was a joke.


	3. Chapter 2

_Shepard was leaning casually against the wall next to the airlock, arms folded over her chest and a thoughtful frown on her face. Not many people could pull off looking relaxed in full combat armour, but to her it was second nature by now. Joker had let her know, in as few words as possible, that the Stalingrad wanted to send a representative over to "discuss the nature of their needs". She, still not in the mood to speak with him either, had only acknowledged and proceeded directly to the airlock to wait. Still, discussing the nature of their needs sure sounded somewhat reassuring. It could be just another way of saying that they needed to surrender of course, but she doubted it. They would know that her ship was broken, no way of hiding it, and just threatening to blow it up if she didn't comply would have been easier if that was the objective. No, they wouldn't send a hostage if they had hostile intentions. Maybe she owed Joker an apology._

_As the airlock opened to reveal their guest, all thoughts of apologizing to Joker left her mind._

- Commander Shepard, glad to see you made it through the relay in one, albeit roughed up, piece. The Stalingrad has been ordered to provide you with any assistance you may require.

_Still not finding her words, she just stared at Staff Commander Alenko. Kaidan. The contrast to their last encounter was mind-blowing, and it completely caught her off guard. Now he was the perfect officer; back straight, uniform flawless, eyes steady and distant, an all-out opposite of the sweaty, messed up and furious marine she had met on Horizon. With a hint of sadness she realized that she had preferred his anger to this composed version of him which just felt like plastic._

- So, let me guess. You were in the neighbourhood and thought you'd pop in for a quick cup of coffee?

_He smiled at her words, God, he had missed her. He had decided to keep his distance, offering anything she needed, his life if so be it, but not complicating things. He knew that it would be hard, he couldn't really not love her, but he could at least not have her. And not having her meant not losing her. He consciously let his guard down for a brief second and allowed himself to revel in her presence. Oh yeah, this plan of his would work perfectly. Clearing his throat, he returned to the present._

- Pretty much actually. For the last year, year-and-a-half, I've been in charge of the Alliance investigation into all matters relating to the Reapers, Cerberus and since Horizon also the Collectors. Once we realized that they were responsible for the raided colonies and found out where they operate from, we put observation beacons near the Omega 4 relay. It didn't tell us much, but at least it would give us a heads up when the relay was activated. Now normally, we wouldn't come looking for anything, the Collectors wasn't exactly hanging around much, but after that message you sent to Anderson.. _His hazel coloured eyes averted their gaze from hers a moment too late, and finally she saw a flicker of the emotions he was keeping at bay. _Well, we were hoping it might be you.

_She had sent all the information gathered up to that point, not only on the Collectors and the Reapers but also all the dirt she had on Cerberus, to Anderson before she left for the Omega 4 relay. She had considered sending something to Kaidan as well, but knowing that she probably wouldn't come back she had opted for leaving him alone until she could in fact offer him something. Now, feeling a small slither of hope returning to her, she reached out and lightly touched his arm. He was so close to her she could actually smell him._

- I'm just thankful "we" still care enough to hope.

- Uh, Commander. I realize the Alliance hasn't been that forthcoming since your.. Return. But rest assured that it has since reevaluated the situation and now consider you as much a hero as ever.

- Are you sure this is how you want to play it, Kaidan? _The optimism that had surged through her instantly turned to disappointment at his reply, and she felt her patience for these games wearing thin. _

- Shepard, I.. _His eyes pleaded with her to let this go, but he knew that look. She wouldn't, and if he tried to avoid her she would just keep assaulting it like a bulldog until the matter was resolved. Shepard wasn't a stubborn woman really, and never unreasonable, it was just that when she wanted something solved, sooner or later it would be. He sighed, defeated, and realized that they were still standing just outside the airlock. They hadn't moved since first laying eyes on each other. _Is there someplace we can talk?

- Joker, you and I are going to have a good long chat later, one that you may or may not come out of unscathed, but for the time being I need you to keep an eye on things. If you need me, make sure it's important.

_The pilot turned his head and threw them a curious glance as they were standing right behind him._

- Aye aye, Commander. And give him some hell from me too for getting me into this mess. Sorry Kaidan, but damn it man you really need to work on your timing.

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Authors' note; I just wanted to thank everyone who is following and reviewing this learning experience. You guys make my day!


	4. Chapter 3

She led him to the elevator, making occasional small talk as they went but in her mind she was already preparing for battle. Analyzing the battlefield, trying to anticipate possible traps and sizing up her adversary. Would she need an escape route? Probably. She could just do what she always did of course, exploit the opponents' weaknesses and grind down any remaining resistance. Only she wasn't going to. She had to remind herself she wasn't playing this to win, and that notion made her nervous.

Kaidan was dragging his feet, trying to get her to tell him about the new Normandy while every step brought him inevitably closer to her quarters. He wanted the thin layer of protocol and pleasantries that he was hiding behind to remain because he honestly didn't know what he would do without it. He glanced at her during the elevator ride, trying to get a sense of where she was at, and the sight worried him. Her jaw was tight, he knew her fists would be too, and her eyes seemed to pierce through the metal walls surrounding them. She would be angry, he thought. She hated his games and his failure to commit even before, and this was certainly stepping it up a notch. He really didn't want her to despise him, but he knew that he could live with it. As long as the pain and the fear went away, he told himself, he could live with pretty much anything.

As the door slid shut behind them, she turned to face him. Trying to steady herself with a deep breath, she gave him a small, apprehensive smile. "So, here we are. Pistol or sword?" Knowing that she probably would have preferred a proper duel to talking, he reached out and squeezed her hand briefly.

"Shepard, please just hear me out." He kept his eyes locked on the aquarium behind her as he talked. "I tried to leave everything that's happened behind and just be happy that you were back, but I couldn't. You left me." He suddenly raised his eyes leveled with hers, and she could see a world of hurt in them. Misinterpreting her reaction as she flinched, he quickly continued. "I know you didn't mean to, but you did. And I want to stand by you as you take this on, I wish I had sooner, but I can't be the man watching your six and warming your bed."

All her plans for this conversation fell flat, and she could feel cold sweat running down her spine as the meaning of his words hit. Well, she had wanted him to make his mind up and now he had. He wanted out. Her head was spinning slightly as all strength left her, and wordlessly she slid down the side of the aquarium to a sitting position with her arms around her legs. Wishing that he would disappear.

He remembered the last time he had seen her sitting exactly like that. That time he had been comforting, almost kissing, her. Forcing his mind away from the memory, he started feeling as worn out as she looked. This time he was the one causing it. Still hesitating, he wanted to find something to say, but she was effectively shutting him out. He threw her one last painful look, then turned around and started to leave.

* * *

Authors' notes;

First off, I'm sorry if the changes are a bit confusing. I've gotten alot of interesting feedback, so I'm trying a new approach but I know it's rather unorthodox to just switch styles in the middle of a story. That's kind of why this chapter is even shorter than usual, but I also felt that it needed to end there. So, thoughts? Is this better or worse in your opinion?


	5. Chapter 4

"I want to beg, you know."

Her voice was barely audible as he reached the door to her cabin and yet it cut through him like a knife. He turned around to see her staring at her hands with a peculiar look on her face, as if she'd never really noticed them before. Her head grew weary at times, but oddly her hands never would. So much blood on those hands, and so very much more to come. When she continued her voice sounded slightly surprised, as if she didn't expect herself to be talking.

"I want to tell you how tired I am. How scared I am that I won't be able to do this alone." She let out a bitter laugh, still not looking at him. "I had a plan for this. A whole speech prepared."

"Shepard.."

She sighed and let her head drop. "No. Don't."

He suddenly felt an all-consuming wave of rage course through his veins, flooding his senses and dimming his sight for a moment. "You just don't get it, do you? Loving you almost killed me the first time around." He spat the words at her. "I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep. All I could do was throw myself into the most dangerous missions available to me and hope that it would just end, and this for a woman I hardly knew. I can't _ever_ go back to that."

"I don't get it, Kaidan?" Her eyes narrowed dangerously. "_I _don't get what you're going through." Her fury matched his now, and without either of them noticing, smaller objects in the room started rising slowly through the air. "Don't you dare talk to me about loss as if I don't know."

He didn't respond, but his dark eyes begged her to understand. He wasn't like her. He couldn't just take everything the Universe threw at him and use it to get stronger, smarter. She looked at him, and she knew. Around them, paperclips, plastic cups, an earpiece and a few other items made little noises as they fell back to her desk and floor, but none of them were paying attention.

Her voice was soft when she spoke again. "That fear you carry around like a prize, I know it all too well." He faintly raised an eyebrow, but remained silent. Her eyes were directed inward, distant and unseeing, and her lips curled in a melancholic smile. "You're the only person I've let in. The only man I.." He stopped her there, not bearing to hear her finish the sentence.

"So what am I supposed to do, Shepard? I can't work around this."

She turned her head and looked straight at him. "In the end we're all just leaves on the wind. Dust eager to return to dust." His eyebrows furrowed and he drew in a breath as if to say something, but she kept going. "You fight it, Kaidan. Because it's worth it, and because you'll wither and die inside if you don't."

He gritted his teeth and let out a harsh sigh. Sliding down next to her with the wall against his back and the whole world between them he tried to regain his bearings.

"Damn it, Shep."

The look she gave him was regretful, she didn't want to hurt him like this.

"I know. I'm sorry."

They both sat there, silent. Not lost in thought, they were too exhausted to think, just sitting. Being. Without noticing it drawing strength from one another. Finally, he spoke up.

"So, what was it like? Dying."

Startled at the sudden sound of his voice, she had to think for a moment before she could answer him. "I really couldn't say. I know I'm supposed to feel something, react in some way, but I just don't." She cocked her head to the side, one of her little quirks he remembered from before. "It's like people are telling me I died, but my body doesn't buy it. I understand it, but I can't wrap my mind around it."

He just stared at her and let out a whistle. "I can't even imagine."

Her eyes closed and her head fell back against the wall. "What worries me isn't the dying part. It's the undying." He could hear the fright in her voice, something he actually had never heard before, and a feeling of unease grabbed him as she seemed to speak his own thoughts.

"The people who rebuilt me are the same people who would sic thresher maws on a whole colony and two units of marines." Words were now tumbling from her lips in a flurry, and he had to concentrate to understand what she was saying. "They have experimented on people left and right with horrific results, I'm still cleaning up their messes everywhere I go, and now I'm one of their projects. You've investigated them, did you notice their success rate?" The joyless laugh that escaped her was really more of a bark. "I have, and let me tell you it doesn't look good. How long until I turn into some sort of husk, or worse?" He noticed with dismay that she was shaking, badly, so close to snapping that it was actually a physical struggle for her to keep it together. "What did they do to me, Kaidan? What the hell am I now?"

The sight of her this utterly broken broke something in him as well. He found himself getting angry on her behalf at how unfair it was, all the burdens that were hers to carry, and with a sense of horror it suddenly dawned on him the weight he was adding to them. Pushing her away for being human, vulnerable, when it was that aspect of her that was the most amazing. He had once offered his shoulder for her to lean on, but it wasn't until she died that he understood how badly he might lose his own footing in the process. Now, having just regained it and fought so desperately hard to, he closed his eyes and let it go.

Still sitting, he reached out his arm towards her, and when she hesitated he just moved closer to her and drew her into his chest. When she finally relaxed, leaning her head against his shoulder, he softly kissed her hair and let out a sigh. Suddenly, in this moment, it was all so easy.

"We'll figure it out, you know."

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_Authors' note; This is it, actually. More stories on these two may very well follow, writing turned out to be alot of fun, but this was what I really wanted to get out there. So heaps of thanks to everyone who have been reading and commenting, I've learned alot and I hope you guys had fun watching/teaching! I will return. Probably. _

_Oh, and my Shep is a survivor from Akuze and Mindoir, poor thing. In case you needed some background to her anger management issues._


End file.
